Clearer Vision

I don’t think I am the only Christian that battles depression. In fact I bet a lot of us do.
When I think about it, I bet Jesus fought it off too.
But what do I know.

I’ve been wrestling with it for 5 years now.
My doctor once joked that Evangelical Christian Women are the hardest to help with it. Because we think as Christians we should have a handle on it.

But let me be the first to tell you- we don’t. (Well, I don't.)

A few months ago, I laid in bed angry, thinking;
‘Why is life so HARD? What is the point of it all?’

Here is where I would typically spiral downward into some pretty intense negative thoughts. Or habits to try and numb myself out. To ignore where I know these thoughts are headed. So I don’t have to feel so upset and confused.

But not this time.
This time I face the thoughts. Let them continue. I allow the conversation in my head to carry on.

‘I claim to be a Christian. But I don’t know what I’m doing, what my purpose is, or why I feel so empty all the time. I chase materials, success, gluttony, anger, pride... 
Does it matter if I live or die?
What’s the point?

Silence...
Then it hit me.

I claim to believe in Jesus. I tell other people that He loves them, that He is all they need, that He is trustworthy, that He is satisfying...
Because somewhere inside I really truly believe it.

And at the end of all the questions, the only thing I feel my heart truly believe is that God exists. And I think He’s nice.

I fall asleep.


My Great- Grandmother (Mamaw) had a portrait of Jesus over her couch growing up. She was the best example of a Christian I have known or hoped to be.
Portraits of Jesus have always been strange to me. Because I don’t really know what He looks like. And to be honest, I doubt that he was this white guy with long flowing hair. But, when Mamaw prayed, you could tell she knew who she was talking to. She told me once that she would picture Jesus sitting in the chair beside her. 

I want that.

I started wondering, if that's why she had the painting in the center of her house. What it symbolized.
It symbolized that choosing to make him the center of everything. To plant Him right in front of your face to remind yourself of the promises.
That He Is satisfying. That He is the Answer. That He is All I need.

For desperate hearts to be reminded that He is there. 

Clear vision of Him makes everything else fade away. Not easier. Not non existent. Not painless.

He did say after all ‘in this world You Will have trouble, but take heart, for I have overcome the world’.


So I made this painting. My Jesus. I hung it at the end of my bed. So every day when I wake up, or every time I crawl in bed overwhelmed. I’m reminded.